i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I touched a dick in church today
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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