Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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