Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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