Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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