that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
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