Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
