I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
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