Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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