and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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