I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
