so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
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