if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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