It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
