I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
