My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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