Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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