just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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