I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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