I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
