By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
