So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Can I color on your dick again?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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