normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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