I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
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