if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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