Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
