my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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