I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
