and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
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