Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
