she looked like the bat from fern gully.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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