I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
