Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
