After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Randomize
