I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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