Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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