I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
