Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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