I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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