I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
