I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
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