I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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