time to smoke my breakfast
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
