You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
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