she woke up with a sticky ear
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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