No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
