Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
