so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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