I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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