I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
