Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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