the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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