and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
