I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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