Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
