How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
