So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
